Nobody Wants to Hear You Sing About Tragedy

I'm watching In Person on Astro Awani with Syed Farradino Omar getting up close and personal with Tash Aw, a Malaysian novelist based in London.

See, I am skeptical about writers abroad who write about their home countries for some reasons that I could never really eloquently explain. Probably because they tend to criticize their homelands, the culture and everything that comes with it. And I thought Malaysian writers abroad are the same.

But as I listened and watched how Syed Farradino prodded and poked Aw on his chosen profession as a full time writer (Farradino was surprisingly well-prepared, he even knew about Doris Lessing!!, he asked the right questions and prodded further at the right time, about the right thing), my pre-conception is falling apart, bits by bits.

Aw talked about how being abroad has brought out his inner Malaysian. He said being among people of different upbringings, skin colors and origins made him felt so foreign, so alone that it made him turned to what he knew best - being a Malaysian that he truly is. He even mentioned the burning desire to speak to strangers in public places just because he recognized their Malaysian-accented English.

To hear such experience makes me happy because I feel like I've found someone who finally understands the plight of my heart. As some would know, I just got back for good after a 4-year stint in an engineering school in the US. Being abroad has made me a better, a more objective Malaysian, I became a non-partisan when it comes to politics and it is shocking even to me to discover that I am now blind to skin colors. But these views (and many more) are not shared by many, not even by people I hold close to my heart.

I do not hate being home, but being here so far is depressing. I hate our culture of idleness (Aw called it complacency, he referred to the habit of hanging out at the mamak stalls as an example) and our tendency to judge and speculate about other people's businesses. I also find our needs to reaffirm our actions by verbosely repeating the same matter to anyone who would listen (or pretend to) are not only highly unnecessary but extremely annoying.

When I was overseas, I was looking forward to come back and serve my country. But how can I fall in love with my homeland all over again in these conditions? Maybe I am destined to love Malaysia wholeheartedly, unconditionally only from afar. Distance after all, makes the heart grow fonder (or wander, if you like, in some ways)...